Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
Unleash the dogs of war — and lions and monkeys and polar bears!
Russia’s latest missile barrage against Kyiv was foiled by Ukraine’s supercharged air defense system but there was still plenty of damage, including to Kyiv Zoo.
Kyiv’s hardman Mayor Vitali Klitschko said some missile debris fell into the zoo but “fortunately, none of the animals or workers were injured.” He added that “anti-stress measures are now being conducted with the animals.”
The plight of zoo animals has been a small but fascinating part of the war. The most bizarre story came late last year from Kherson where Russian soldiers took a number of animals — including raccoons, wolves, peacocks, a llama and a donkey — from the local zoo.
“While retreating from Kherson Russians stole animals from the local zoo,” Anton Gerashchenko, an adviser to the Ukrainian minister of internal affairs, wrote on Twitter.
A man seen grabbing a raccoon by its tail in a video clip of the operation/theft was identified as Oleg Zubkov, the owner of Taigan Lion Park, a private zoo in Russia-controlled Crimea. Think of him as being like a shit Noah.
And if stealing raccoons isn’t odd enough for you, then the Russians said one of the nocturnal mammals not only applied for but was accepted into the university in Russia-occupied Melitopol (and there aren’t enough exclamation marks in the world for the end of that sentence).
The raccoon “applied” to two university faculties, Forestry and Information Security, according to the Russian propaganda machine (which presumably had just been delivered some very strong drugs), which makes sense as we all know that there are two things raccoons love more than anything else: making dens in hollow trees and providing advice on strong passwords.
Back at the zoo in Kyiv (which is still open to the public), the staff are doing sterling work looking after the animals, including keeping animals such as Tony the gorilla warm in winter despite the daily power cuts.
Perhaps the next stage of the war should be to fit the Ukrainian zoo animals with body armor and ride them into battle against Russian troops, like a cross between “War Horse” and “Madagascar.” Putin wouldn’t stand a chance.
CAPTION COMPETITION
“So, here’s my final offer: I buy France for €40 billion and you get a free Tesla and a blue tick on Twitter.”
Can you do better? Email [email protected] or on Twitter @pdallisonesque
Last time we gave you this photo:
Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.
“And to think we left the EU to stop being governed by unelected, overpaid buffoons!” by Tom Morgan
Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s slot news editor.
