Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
DISCLAIMER: The opening section of this week’s column contains descriptions of foodstuffs that some readers (especially Italians) may find disturbing.
Enough is enough, it’s time to kick Hungary out of the European Union! Why, I hear you ask? Is it the flagrant disregard for the rule of law, its treatment of the LGBTQ+ community, Viktor Orbán’s too-cosy relationship with Vladimir Putin? No, it’s the hate crime that is oranges on pizza!
On a visit to the town of Kiskőrös, Orbán paid a visit to a pizzeria that has made a dish in his honor. Among the toppings are chicken breast, jalapeño peppers and slices of orange! Orbán dutifully posed for picture with the pizza (although, tellingly, wasn’t snapped actually eating the thing), thus cementing his position as Europe’s most problematic leader.
Older readers may remember Italy declaring war on Hawaii in the mid-1960s, so who knows where this incident will lead us.
Pizza and politics have long connection, of course. There’s the off-the-charts lunacy of the so-called Pizzagate theory in the U.S. — a far-right conspiracy that says prominent members of the Democratic Party are somehow involved in a global child-trafficking ring. It all started in 2016 when Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager John Podesta’s email was hacked and the messages were published by Wikileaks. One of the emails was between Podesta and James Alefantis, the owner of Washington pizzeria Comet Ping Pong about a possible fundraiser for Clinton.
And speaking of off-the-charts lunacy, this week sometime former U.S. President and cheeseburger enthusiast Donald Trump claimed responsibility for Ron DeSantis’ political success by saying that the Florida govenor would be working “at a law firm or maybe a Pizza Hut” without Trump’s help. The fact that Trump thinks lawyer and Pizza Hut employee are basically the same seems to explain the decision to hire Rudy Giuliani as his attorney. Trump also calls DeSantis “Ron DeSanctimonious,” which is admittedly rather funny.
Meanwhile in Belgium, a pizzeria was attacked with a fire bomb a few weeks ago in what police say was likely a further escalation of the drugs war in Antwerp but which may just have been a disgruntled food lover objecting to the putting of kiwi fruit or banana on top of pizza.
Speaking of bad things happening in Belgium, bailiffs can now confiscate chickens from people in debt! That’s right, the authorities now have the power to take away your livestock if you can’t repay the money you owe. Also on an updated list of things that can be taken from you is an ironing board (it was already legal for bailiffs to take away your iron, so I guess that makes some sort of sense).
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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.
“The official dartboard of the ‘Russian Oligarch Falling Out of a Window’ Competition is formally unveiled,“ by Darren Azzopardi.
Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s slot news editor.
