The European Union has already won the Olympics.
That’s if you listen to the European Commission, which is counting the number of medals won by athletes from the 27 EU countries — or what it calls Team Europe — and trumpeting that its haul is a whopping 206 so far.
POLITICO decided to take the Berlaymont at its word and fully imagine what kind of sports would feature at the Olympic Games if the EU was in charge.
CLIMBING — Race to scramble up the ranks of the EU institutions, going from blue book trainee to head of unit, to director and then entering a commissioner’s Cabinet.
ROWING — Who can stir up the most pointless inter-institutional fight about minuscule changes to the EU’s treaties that will take years to resolve?
TRIATH-LOG — Like an escape room, except the only way to get out alive is by finding wording that pleases 27 governments, 720 MEPs and 30,000 civil servants. And you only have until 4 a.m. to do it.
O-FENCING — Put out a tweet that makes you the subject of a non-binding European Parliament resolution.
POLE VAULTING — Athletes take it in turn to jump over Janusz Wojciechowski, the EU commissioner from Poland.
CORDON SANITAIRE LIMBO — A squadron of far-right MEPs arch their backs in order to sneak under a barrier imposed by other political families.
LIFT WAITING — As opposed to weightlifting. Wait for a lift (elevator, to our American friends) in the European Parliament without losing your patience. Plus, you’re completely lost and your boss is calling.
ARTISTIC GYMNASTICS — Aka the Spokesperson’s Service of the European Commission. Contort in extreme ways to avoid answering simple questions from journalists, while maintaining an air of dignified authority.
BOXING — EU civil servants spend eight hours putting documents in boxes between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Then they go home. The next day they return and do it again.
ROBERT POO-MAN — Instead of swimming the famous Parisian Seine, the EU conjures up the same health benefits by holding all water sports in a giant cesspit filled from the Berlaymont’s sewers stationed on the Robert Schuman roundabout.
EQUESTRIAN — Contestants have to fend off packs of wild wolves to protect a pony belonging to the European Commission president. This one has real ancient Greece vibes.
CRYSTAL BALLS — Can you match EU Commissioner for Foresight Maroš Šefčovič, who has consulted the nine EU muses and knows exactly which country will get which portfolio in the next College of Commissioners? There’s only one certainty in Brussels: Šefčovič is forever.
HOUSING MARATHON — In this extreme endurance sport, where races last five years, contestants are put under incredible strain to achieve tasks they have absolutely no competence for.
SYNCHRONIZED SPINNING — Muscly PR professionals duke it out to whip their groups of MEPs into line on a controversial EU law.
